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Bullying and the social totem pole
I have made a couple of references to the social and/or authoritarian "totem pole," which is essential for understanding typical bullying. I realize now that I have elaborated insufficiently. Luckily, I have written some letters that can be repurposed here.
Most people, and all bullies, exist within a social totem pole. Anybody who hasn't figured out the totem pole by junior high school (hello, many of my fellow geeks, nerds, and dorks) is at a huge disadvantage, not only in navigating it, but even in surviving within it. The totem pole defines a pecking order: People can (if they choose) pick on those below. People must placate, kowtow to, or otherwise appease (or just plain avoid) those above. Overt hostility toward someone above is either a rare challenge for dominance, or an ignorant mistake that will result in a serious smackdown for violating the pecking order. People tend to appease unless they have a very good reason not to.
Some people stand outside the social totem pole. This includes many of my loved ones, and me since before I knew there was such a thing as social standing. When we treat people well, it is out of respect, not out of fear of consequences, no matter where on (or off) the totem pole those people may be.
Bullies fundamentally do not understand that. This fact is at the heart of the saying, "not afraid to call a spade a spade". Someone who uses that clause simply does not understand that respect, not fear, keeps good people from using the "N" word and other slurs. ("'Political correctness' is the douchey term for 'respect and civility'." - some writer whose article is no longer available.) So what does a bully see, when they notice someone who behaves decently toward everyone on the totem pole? They don't know that there is space on the outside. They only see someone appeasing everyone, even the people toward the bottom. In the bully's eyes, the decent person is becoming the new bottom of the totem pole by placing everybody else above them.
"Hey, look! What a great target for abuse! Come, lesser bullies, join me in harming and belittling this obvious doormat."
"As you wish, higher bully. We would never risk becoming the next target of your wrath by doing otherwise. We are your faithful servants."
Even those who are not inclined toward bullying may participate, out of fear. I have seen that conversation play out, albeit slightly less eloquently, regarding both the doormat people at the bottom and those on the outside who are mistaken for doormats. It goes the same way, since bullies can't tell the difference. **Bullies are cowards**, and an easy target who won't stand up for themselves is an opportunity to safely practice their craft. They will not want to pass up this opportunity.
I have personally experienced this issue, many times. I treat everyone with respect and patience, and frequently go out of my way to help people*. I often let small slights pass unnoticed or unremarked. (Back in college, friends just gave each other shit occasionally, and it was nothing personal. Some of us are now more sensitive to others' fragility, and some remain unconcerned.) I am also likely to overgenerously attribute misbehavior to circumstances rather than to character. (Oddly, this is exactly the opposite of the fundamental attribution error.)
* Helpfulness (toward people other than close friends and family) as a sign of deference deserves particular exploration. A Hufflepuff or Slytherin will go out of their way to help people in order to appease, to win favor, and to foster a bond. The Slytherin is less frequently helpful, as they have access to a broader array of techniques for achieving the same effects. A Gryffindor (or a light-side Slytherin) will go out of their way to help people when they know it is the right thing to do. A Ravenclaw will go out of their way to help people when they know it is the efficient thing to do. A dedicated utilitarian will have such frequent recourse to the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw motives that an unclever Slytherin will take this consistency as a sign of being a "people pleaser" Hufflepuff. (Note that I count those who gravitate toward bullying as Slytherins, whether or not they have the cleverness and skill to be any good at it. This implies nothing about my clever Slytherin peeps, with whose disavowal of inept bullies I sympathize.)
All of this considered, it is easy for real abuse to begin, and to sail under the radar. Bullies easily mistake me for a doormat. This itself is almost okay with me, because I'd rather that they target me than go after someone more vulnerable. But it creates an awkward situation, where I eventually have to go to some trouble to stand up for myself, and the bully feels indignant, outraged, and cheated by having the rules changed on them: Their victims are supposed to just meekly take it. Especially annoying to all parties is that this takes time to reach resolution, because I am very patient, and wait for the best opportunity, or the most pressing reasons, to make my move. They, of course, mistake my patience for submission, which reinforces their impression of me, right up until their moment of disillusionment and regret.
Meanwhile, I resent the cost in time and energy that I must divert toward dealing with bullies, to prevent them from costing me even more in social resources. This is where I am handicapped by not possessing even an ounce of Slytherin ability. A clever Slytherin would, I imagine, know how to keep such bullies from making problems of themselves in the first place, or at worst, how to quickly and efficiently deal with the problem. (However, difficulty with bullying that springs from other motivations does not speak against any Slytherin's cleverness. Narcissism, fear, and deep jealousy can cause nearly intractable problems.) I deal with this shit because I have to, but it is tiring. (Hell, being half Gryffindor is tiring enough. I wonder how the full Gryffindors manage.)
If you know a bully who is making the mistakes described herein, or a victim who doesn't even realize that they need to learn to navigate the social totem pole, feel free to link them to this post.
Most people, and all bullies, exist within a social totem pole. Anybody who hasn't figured out the totem pole by junior high school (hello, many of my fellow geeks, nerds, and dorks) is at a huge disadvantage, not only in navigating it, but even in surviving within it. The totem pole defines a pecking order: People can (if they choose) pick on those below. People must placate, kowtow to, or otherwise appease (or just plain avoid) those above. Overt hostility toward someone above is either a rare challenge for dominance, or an ignorant mistake that will result in a serious smackdown for violating the pecking order. People tend to appease unless they have a very good reason not to.
Some people stand outside the social totem pole. This includes many of my loved ones, and me since before I knew there was such a thing as social standing. When we treat people well, it is out of respect, not out of fear of consequences, no matter where on (or off) the totem pole those people may be.
Bullies fundamentally do not understand that. This fact is at the heart of the saying, "not afraid to call a spade a spade". Someone who uses that clause simply does not understand that respect, not fear, keeps good people from using the "N" word and other slurs. ("'Political correctness' is the douchey term for 'respect and civility'." - some writer whose article is no longer available.) So what does a bully see, when they notice someone who behaves decently toward everyone on the totem pole? They don't know that there is space on the outside. They only see someone appeasing everyone, even the people toward the bottom. In the bully's eyes, the decent person is becoming the new bottom of the totem pole by placing everybody else above them.
"Hey, look! What a great target for abuse! Come, lesser bullies, join me in harming and belittling this obvious doormat."
"As you wish, higher bully. We would never risk becoming the next target of your wrath by doing otherwise. We are your faithful servants."
Even those who are not inclined toward bullying may participate, out of fear. I have seen that conversation play out, albeit slightly less eloquently, regarding both the doormat people at the bottom and those on the outside who are mistaken for doormats. It goes the same way, since bullies can't tell the difference. **Bullies are cowards**, and an easy target who won't stand up for themselves is an opportunity to safely practice their craft. They will not want to pass up this opportunity.
I have personally experienced this issue, many times. I treat everyone with respect and patience, and frequently go out of my way to help people*. I often let small slights pass unnoticed or unremarked. (Back in college, friends just gave each other shit occasionally, and it was nothing personal. Some of us are now more sensitive to others' fragility, and some remain unconcerned.) I am also likely to overgenerously attribute misbehavior to circumstances rather than to character. (Oddly, this is exactly the opposite of the fundamental attribution error.)
* Helpfulness (toward people other than close friends and family) as a sign of deference deserves particular exploration. A Hufflepuff or Slytherin will go out of their way to help people in order to appease, to win favor, and to foster a bond. The Slytherin is less frequently helpful, as they have access to a broader array of techniques for achieving the same effects. A Gryffindor (or a light-side Slytherin) will go out of their way to help people when they know it is the right thing to do. A Ravenclaw will go out of their way to help people when they know it is the efficient thing to do. A dedicated utilitarian will have such frequent recourse to the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw motives that an unclever Slytherin will take this consistency as a sign of being a "people pleaser" Hufflepuff. (Note that I count those who gravitate toward bullying as Slytherins, whether or not they have the cleverness and skill to be any good at it. This implies nothing about my clever Slytherin peeps, with whose disavowal of inept bullies I sympathize.)
All of this considered, it is easy for real abuse to begin, and to sail under the radar. Bullies easily mistake me for a doormat. This itself is almost okay with me, because I'd rather that they target me than go after someone more vulnerable. But it creates an awkward situation, where I eventually have to go to some trouble to stand up for myself, and the bully feels indignant, outraged, and cheated by having the rules changed on them: Their victims are supposed to just meekly take it. Especially annoying to all parties is that this takes time to reach resolution, because I am very patient, and wait for the best opportunity, or the most pressing reasons, to make my move. They, of course, mistake my patience for submission, which reinforces their impression of me, right up until their moment of disillusionment and regret.
Meanwhile, I resent the cost in time and energy that I must divert toward dealing with bullies, to prevent them from costing me even more in social resources. This is where I am handicapped by not possessing even an ounce of Slytherin ability. A clever Slytherin would, I imagine, know how to keep such bullies from making problems of themselves in the first place, or at worst, how to quickly and efficiently deal with the problem. (However, difficulty with bullying that springs from other motivations does not speak against any Slytherin's cleverness. Narcissism, fear, and deep jealousy can cause nearly intractable problems.) I deal with this shit because I have to, but it is tiring. (Hell, being half Gryffindor is tiring enough. I wonder how the full Gryffindors manage.)
If you know a bully who is making the mistakes described herein, or a victim who doesn't even realize that they need to learn to navigate the social totem pole, feel free to link them to this post.