Bullies, from experience.
Mar. 21st, 2018 08:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blimixHaving completed my work on bullying in politics, I would now like to share some insights into bullies, which I gained from personal experience.
Some of the guys in my college dorm formed a group called the Ass Monkeys. They would teabag their sleeping roommates, trick people into trying the "atomic sit-up," chase folks around, and occasionally throw someone fully clothed into the shower. Outside of such activities, we were all still friendly with each other, sharing our experience and living space as part of the same experimental honors program. One might say that the Ass Monkeys weren't "serious" bullies, despite being the jocks of the group.
My friend Khadgar and I were the archetype of the 98-pound weakling. The Ass Monkeys would sometimes grab and shower him, and he would submit. Whenever I was there for that, I intervened and pulled them off of him, allowing him to retreat to his room. They gave me no resistance that I can recall.
One time, I was at a table with one of the Ass Monkeys, while he was out of uniform. I asked him, "Why don't you guys ever try to shower me?"
He said, with no hesitation, "Because we know you would defend yourself."
This was a revelation: These big guys had no reason to think that they couldn't overpower me, but they still wouldn't try it, because of the resistance that they would meet. They would only bully folks whom they expected to lie down for it.
Please remember this when fascists try to tell you what to do. I cannot stress this enough: No matter how much they flaunt their white hoods, uniforms, armbands, and yes, firearms, they are scared of you. That goes for everyone from the schoolyard bully to Donald Trump.
One guy in our dorm, Grendel, was a different sort of bully. He disliked and resented everyone else there. While the Ass Monkeys felt like they were playfully messing with people (even if it wasn't fun for their victims), Grendel was malicious. I once caught him and his gang (who were strangers to the rest of us) in our suite room, grabbing Khadgar to shower him. When I started to intervene, Khadgar gave me a despairing look and said, "It's okay. Just let them."
I was shocked into inaction. Why would he choose to let them shower him, when he didn't have to? Two of Grendel's gang dragged Khadgar into the bathroom. Once I was alone with the rest of the gang, Grendel attacked me, pinned me, and broke two of my fingers.
There are several possible lessons here, and I'm honestly not sure which of them apply. It could be that, once I joined Khadgar in capitulating to the bullies, I became a valid target: I was no longer "someone who would fight back". It could be that Khadgar sensed that Grendel was far more dangerous than the Ass Monkeys, and feared that I (and/or he) might get hurt if I resisted them: We all have to pick our battles, and he sensed this was an ill-advised one. One thing I am sure of, however: Regardless of his malice, Grendel would never have had the guts to attack me if I had had even one ally still in the room. He only had power because we were surrounded by his friends, with nobody to even witness or say, "Hey, wait a minute!"
About a month later, a well-intentioned idiot set up a mailing list for our dorm and subscribed us all to it, causing us to start spamming each other. One of my replies, explaining about consent and requesting that the mailing list be deactivated immediately, prompted Grendel to personally reply, "Stop sending me mail, you fucking geek!"
I considered this, made a guess, and started a chat with him on the mainframe. (Yes, I'm ancient.) I told him that I thought he must be feeling very frustrated, living with people who didn't see eye-to-eye with him about housekeeping. He acknowledged that this was the case. We talked about it for a bit, resolving nothing, but leaving him feeling more at ease and understood.
He wrote back to the mailing list, "I just made up with Joe Levy, and I feel great!"
Of course, I never regarded us as having made up: He was still the asshole who broke my fingers. But at least he was no longer a threat.
Possible lesson: There's really no down side to compassionate words, even toward bad people (as long as you're not thereby enabling them or silencing their victims).
I had two friends who mistakenly thought that, because I was nice, understanding, and forgiving, I would make a good social punching bag. I am not going to give details of their bullying behavior here, beyond the fact that it took me far too long to realize that they habitually enjoyed oppressing and harming others. When I discovered that the first one, Beamish, was still slandering me to mutual friends even many years after we had stopped having anything to do with each other, I presented my side of the story to those friends. Basically, I came out as a victim of his abuse.
When I did this, one of our mutual friends, Aeschylus, flipped his shtick. He had been listening to and enabling Beamish for years, and demanded that I stop "attacking" him. (I'm pretty sure that he did not even read my account; he would have seen that it was written with concern for Beamish's well being.) I told Aeschylus that I would never ask him to choose sides, but that he couldn't silence me. (In retrospect, this was oblivious on my part; he had already chosen his side years earlier.) He then launched all manner of irrational attacks at me by email, until he suddenly had an epiphany.
"Silencing" was part of the title of an article about the common tactics of abusers. The sharing of that article by a different friend was part of the backstory that I had mentioned in my "coming out". Aeschylus recalled my mention of his attempt to silence me, and suddenly realized that he and I both knew that he was behaving harmfully toward me.
He did not think, "Hey, I've been abusing my close, long-time friend; I should rethink my behavior and apologize." He thought, "Hey, I've been abusing my close, long-time friend, which I knew was safe because he never fights back. Except he did finally reveal some of what Beamish had done! Oh god, what if he decides to use all the horrible things I've done against me?" He had a full-on freak-out about the possibility, and ended our discussion and our friendship in a state of panic.
I just felt sad for Aeschylus. It never occurred to him that I had not fought back because I don't want to harm people, rather than because I was powerless. Once he realized that I could harm him, he couldn't imagine that I would choose not to. It is quite a while later, and I have never revealed any of the things that he was scared I might. Beamish had forced my hand by attempting to undermine my friendships (successfully, in the case of Aeschylus) with uncontested lies. (Even then, I had held back his worst actions, so that I would not harm his standing more than was necessary to protect myself.) Aeschylus had done no such thing. His attacks on me clearly came from a place of fear; I did not take them personally. There was, and is, no need to do what he fears.
Lessons? Again, bullies pick targets based on who will resist least. They are cowards, and are terrified of the possibility of being held accountable for their actions. (Even Beamish's slanders were probably for the purpose of poisoning the well, to keep people from listening to my side of the story.) Hence, the KKK wear white hoods. Hence, police officers destroy recordings. Bullies also do not understand people who do not participate in the totem pole of who gets to abuse whom: They think that such people are simply below them on the pole. It may behoove me (or you) to find a way to clue bullies into the fact that "nice person" does not mean "doormat". (I'm open to suggestions!) If Aeschylus or Beamish had understood that, they could have avoided taking actions that they would later regret.
Addendum: My friend points out, quite correctly, that the preceding is written from a position of white male privilege. In some cases, I had the option to present myself as "not a target". Bullies feel that they have the absolute right to target oppressed people. So a woman, for example, may not have the option to not be a target. If she cannot physically overpower the bully (and perhaps his friends), attempts at resistance will only increase the bully's resolve to harm her. At this point, immediate tactics turn to survival strategies, such as deliberately crying in order to appease the bully's wish to exert power and cause harm.
/r/ProRevenge is a gold mine of solutions for dealing with powerful bullies. Most of the stories involve victims covertly gathering concrete evidence (such as video or screenshots) of the bully's actions (either the bullying itself or other transgressions). Presentation of such evidence to people who have power over the bully (employer, school principal, spouse, parents, police, or governing agencies) can lead to their removal from the situation.
For a less dramatic solution, intervention by a more powerful person who believes you will suffice. I say "who believes you" because authorities are quick to dismiss claims of bullying so that they don't have to do anything, and so that they can continue to hide their heads in the sand and believe that everything is fine. But if you have someone who will back you up, that person's help is the quick and easy solution. (Many thanks to my friend for this.)
The Ass Monkeys
Some of the guys in my college dorm formed a group called the Ass Monkeys. They would teabag their sleeping roommates, trick people into trying the "atomic sit-up," chase folks around, and occasionally throw someone fully clothed into the shower. Outside of such activities, we were all still friendly with each other, sharing our experience and living space as part of the same experimental honors program. One might say that the Ass Monkeys weren't "serious" bullies, despite being the jocks of the group.
My friend Khadgar and I were the archetype of the 98-pound weakling. The Ass Monkeys would sometimes grab and shower him, and he would submit. Whenever I was there for that, I intervened and pulled them off of him, allowing him to retreat to his room. They gave me no resistance that I can recall.
One time, I was at a table with one of the Ass Monkeys, while he was out of uniform. I asked him, "Why don't you guys ever try to shower me?"
He said, with no hesitation, "Because we know you would defend yourself."
This was a revelation: These big guys had no reason to think that they couldn't overpower me, but they still wouldn't try it, because of the resistance that they would meet. They would only bully folks whom they expected to lie down for it.
Please remember this when fascists try to tell you what to do. I cannot stress this enough: No matter how much they flaunt their white hoods, uniforms, armbands, and yes, firearms, they are scared of you. That goes for everyone from the schoolyard bully to Donald Trump.
Grendel
One guy in our dorm, Grendel, was a different sort of bully. He disliked and resented everyone else there. While the Ass Monkeys felt like they were playfully messing with people (even if it wasn't fun for their victims), Grendel was malicious. I once caught him and his gang (who were strangers to the rest of us) in our suite room, grabbing Khadgar to shower him. When I started to intervene, Khadgar gave me a despairing look and said, "It's okay. Just let them."
I was shocked into inaction. Why would he choose to let them shower him, when he didn't have to? Two of Grendel's gang dragged Khadgar into the bathroom. Once I was alone with the rest of the gang, Grendel attacked me, pinned me, and broke two of my fingers.
There are several possible lessons here, and I'm honestly not sure which of them apply. It could be that, once I joined Khadgar in capitulating to the bullies, I became a valid target: I was no longer "someone who would fight back". It could be that Khadgar sensed that Grendel was far more dangerous than the Ass Monkeys, and feared that I (and/or he) might get hurt if I resisted them: We all have to pick our battles, and he sensed this was an ill-advised one. One thing I am sure of, however: Regardless of his malice, Grendel would never have had the guts to attack me if I had had even one ally still in the room. He only had power because we were surrounded by his friends, with nobody to even witness or say, "Hey, wait a minute!"
About a month later, a well-intentioned idiot set up a mailing list for our dorm and subscribed us all to it, causing us to start spamming each other. One of my replies, explaining about consent and requesting that the mailing list be deactivated immediately, prompted Grendel to personally reply, "Stop sending me mail, you fucking geek!"
I considered this, made a guess, and started a chat with him on the mainframe. (Yes, I'm ancient.) I told him that I thought he must be feeling very frustrated, living with people who didn't see eye-to-eye with him about housekeeping. He acknowledged that this was the case. We talked about it for a bit, resolving nothing, but leaving him feeling more at ease and understood.
He wrote back to the mailing list, "I just made up with Joe Levy, and I feel great!"
Of course, I never regarded us as having made up: He was still the asshole who broke my fingers. But at least he was no longer a threat.
Possible lesson: There's really no down side to compassionate words, even toward bad people (as long as you're not thereby enabling them or silencing their victims).
The Henchman
I had two friends who mistakenly thought that, because I was nice, understanding, and forgiving, I would make a good social punching bag. I am not going to give details of their bullying behavior here, beyond the fact that it took me far too long to realize that they habitually enjoyed oppressing and harming others. When I discovered that the first one, Beamish, was still slandering me to mutual friends even many years after we had stopped having anything to do with each other, I presented my side of the story to those friends. Basically, I came out as a victim of his abuse.
When I did this, one of our mutual friends, Aeschylus, flipped his shtick. He had been listening to and enabling Beamish for years, and demanded that I stop "attacking" him. (I'm pretty sure that he did not even read my account; he would have seen that it was written with concern for Beamish's well being.) I told Aeschylus that I would never ask him to choose sides, but that he couldn't silence me. (In retrospect, this was oblivious on my part; he had already chosen his side years earlier.) He then launched all manner of irrational attacks at me by email, until he suddenly had an epiphany.
"Silencing" was part of the title of an article about the common tactics of abusers. The sharing of that article by a different friend was part of the backstory that I had mentioned in my "coming out". Aeschylus recalled my mention of his attempt to silence me, and suddenly realized that he and I both knew that he was behaving harmfully toward me.
He did not think, "Hey, I've been abusing my close, long-time friend; I should rethink my behavior and apologize." He thought, "Hey, I've been abusing my close, long-time friend, which I knew was safe because he never fights back. Except he did finally reveal some of what Beamish had done! Oh god, what if he decides to use all the horrible things I've done against me?" He had a full-on freak-out about the possibility, and ended our discussion and our friendship in a state of panic.
I just felt sad for Aeschylus. It never occurred to him that I had not fought back because I don't want to harm people, rather than because I was powerless. Once he realized that I could harm him, he couldn't imagine that I would choose not to. It is quite a while later, and I have never revealed any of the things that he was scared I might. Beamish had forced my hand by attempting to undermine my friendships (successfully, in the case of Aeschylus) with uncontested lies. (Even then, I had held back his worst actions, so that I would not harm his standing more than was necessary to protect myself.) Aeschylus had done no such thing. His attacks on me clearly came from a place of fear; I did not take them personally. There was, and is, no need to do what he fears.
Lessons? Again, bullies pick targets based on who will resist least. They are cowards, and are terrified of the possibility of being held accountable for their actions. (Even Beamish's slanders were probably for the purpose of poisoning the well, to keep people from listening to my side of the story.) Hence, the KKK wear white hoods. Hence, police officers destroy recordings. Bullies also do not understand people who do not participate in the totem pole of who gets to abuse whom: They think that such people are simply below them on the pole. It may behoove me (or you) to find a way to clue bullies into the fact that "nice person" does not mean "doormat". (I'm open to suggestions!) If Aeschylus or Beamish had understood that, they could have avoided taking actions that they would later regret.
The bullies you can't beat (right now).
Addendum: My friend points out, quite correctly, that the preceding is written from a position of white male privilege. In some cases, I had the option to present myself as "not a target". Bullies feel that they have the absolute right to target oppressed people. So a woman, for example, may not have the option to not be a target. If she cannot physically overpower the bully (and perhaps his friends), attempts at resistance will only increase the bully's resolve to harm her. At this point, immediate tactics turn to survival strategies, such as deliberately crying in order to appease the bully's wish to exert power and cause harm.
/r/ProRevenge is a gold mine of solutions for dealing with powerful bullies. Most of the stories involve victims covertly gathering concrete evidence (such as video or screenshots) of the bully's actions (either the bullying itself or other transgressions). Presentation of such evidence to people who have power over the bully (employer, school principal, spouse, parents, police, or governing agencies) can lead to their removal from the situation.
For a less dramatic solution, intervention by a more powerful person who believes you will suffice. I say "who believes you" because authorities are quick to dismiss claims of bullying so that they don't have to do anything, and so that they can continue to hide their heads in the sand and believe that everything is fine. But if you have someone who will back you up, that person's help is the quick and easy solution. (Many thanks to my friend for this.)
