Blimix

My fellow zombies: Seriously, what is up with you?

1. Use your words, dude. "Oooourghhh" and "Uhhhhh" don't count, unless you happen to be in a country where they speak AOL.

2. Raw brains, though a step up from MacDonald's, are still gross. A little garlic, olive oil and paprika will go a long way. Leave out the salt.

3. Going after a team of unlikely heroes is the surest way to get yourself decapitated, incinerated or even messily dismembered by heavy machinery with conveniently exposed gears. Having served customers in a mall for six frightful years, I should have expected this level of stupidity from people, undead or not. But still, sheesh! And even though the U.S. Supreme Court is now among our numbers, they won't be quick to defend the rights of Necrotic-Americans to sue for workplace safety violations. Last I heard, they're locked in the White House with the First Family, and consequently starving. Here's an idea: Go after everybody else. When the heroes are the last people alive, they'll have no choice but to surrender to despair (and your claws). That, or trigger some final obliteration of everything on Earth, alive and undead.

4. Am I really the only zombie so far to have kept his or her half-eaten brain going with duct tape? Admittedly, it took many layers, since the adhesive doesn't stick well to either brain or hair. But at least I can carry on a conversation and formulate a strategy. It would be nice to have some company. And no, I will not lead you. If I become the "zombie leader," then I'm marked for gruesome destruction in the final showdown. And I intend to survive.

So to speak.