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So, someone ripped your heart out...
Apr. 9th, 2018 07:52 pmSo, someone ripped your heart out, and now you're in pain, you don't understand what happened, and you're insecure about your other relationships.
In my experience, there are two big factors to healing from this:
1. Understanding what they did. Once that happens, you'll at least be comfortable with the fact that it's not something nebulous about you. You did not earn that treatment.
2. Understanding that their behavior is characteristic of people like them, not of people in general.
The mystery is the biggest obstacle to healing. When you don't know why they behaved that way, everything becomes a possible motive. Since most of "everything" that was there is still there, it feels like this stupid, shitty situation could happen again at any time, with anyone. It gets worse, though: Most of the possible answers you can think of are about you, simply because you have more information about yourself than about anything else. But the actual reasons are almost always about them.
You may be wondering, "Why did they say those awful things about me? How could they think that?"
Answer: They didn't think that. They were feeling scared and defensive about hurting you. So they looked for, and invented, any excuse they could to attack and blame you. If they can make you the problem, then that prevents them from seeing themselves as the problem.
Corollary: Consistency pressure comes into play here. People hate seeming inconsistent. They don't want to think that they did something that they would consider wrong. So, once they hurt you, they will lower their opinion of you so that they can call it justified. They may then hurt you more, as a way of asserting to themselves that it was an okay thing to do. In some cases, this creates a feedback loop that causes the abuse to continually worsen.
For part two, first find out what you can about that person's ill treatment of others. Once you learn that they make a habit of hurting people, it becomes hard to take it personally. Plus, it can be easier to feel righteous indignation toward abuse when someone else is the victim. Whereas you keep wondering what you did to provoke it, you *know* that these other victims didn't have it coming. This will give you perspective on your own situation, and help you see the undeserved abuse for what it was.
Next, make a point of admitting your minor screw-ups to other people you know. Any time you start to worry that a small infraction will make some other person abandon or abuse you, talk to them. Apologize for whatever it is. Most likely, they'll brush it off like it's nothing, because that's what it is. Your real friends are accepting and forgiving, and will not abuse you. Take note each time someone *doesn't* mistreat you, even when you feel like you've done something wrong. Soon, your worry about the consequences of small mistakes will start to fade.
In case it was really bad, I have also written specifically on the subject of getting over a devastating heartbreak:
You may also be wondering, "Why did they leave me?" That's a different question from why they did things to hurt you, and one that I probably cannot answer here. Leaving you was something they did for themselves, not something they did to you. (Although, making false promises may have been a dick move.) I have written on the phenomenon of people unexpectedly changing their behavior from doting to disinterested:
(In addition, such swings can be typical in people with borderline personality disorder. I have also seen it happen in someone suffering an identity crisis, who repeatedly derived their identity from their relationships and then got scared and left because they had derived their identity from their relationships.)
In my experience, there are two big factors to healing from this:
1. Understanding what they did. Once that happens, you'll at least be comfortable with the fact that it's not something nebulous about you. You did not earn that treatment.
2. Understanding that their behavior is characteristic of people like them, not of people in general.
The mystery is the biggest obstacle to healing. When you don't know why they behaved that way, everything becomes a possible motive. Since most of "everything" that was there is still there, it feels like this stupid, shitty situation could happen again at any time, with anyone. It gets worse, though: Most of the possible answers you can think of are about you, simply because you have more information about yourself than about anything else. But the actual reasons are almost always about them.
You may be wondering, "Why did they say those awful things about me? How could they think that?"
Answer: They didn't think that. They were feeling scared and defensive about hurting you. So they looked for, and invented, any excuse they could to attack and blame you. If they can make you the problem, then that prevents them from seeing themselves as the problem.
Corollary: Consistency pressure comes into play here. People hate seeming inconsistent. They don't want to think that they did something that they would consider wrong. So, once they hurt you, they will lower their opinion of you so that they can call it justified. They may then hurt you more, as a way of asserting to themselves that it was an okay thing to do. In some cases, this creates a feedback loop that causes the abuse to continually worsen.
For part two, first find out what you can about that person's ill treatment of others. Once you learn that they make a habit of hurting people, it becomes hard to take it personally. Plus, it can be easier to feel righteous indignation toward abuse when someone else is the victim. Whereas you keep wondering what you did to provoke it, you *know* that these other victims didn't have it coming. This will give you perspective on your own situation, and help you see the undeserved abuse for what it was.
Next, make a point of admitting your minor screw-ups to other people you know. Any time you start to worry that a small infraction will make some other person abandon or abuse you, talk to them. Apologize for whatever it is. Most likely, they'll brush it off like it's nothing, because that's what it is. Your real friends are accepting and forgiving, and will not abuse you. Take note each time someone *doesn't* mistreat you, even when you feel like you've done something wrong. Soon, your worry about the consequences of small mistakes will start to fade.
In case it was really bad, I have also written specifically on the subject of getting over a devastating heartbreak:
Hearing "It will get better" never helps. It sounds and feels like utter bullshit (even if you know on an intellectual level that people are saying it from experience). Focusing on getting over a broken heart just focuses your attention on the broken heart, but distraction, friends, and novelty do help. When depressed, routine is the enemy. Addictions, even to video games, only pause your life. They don't bring you closer to your time of healing. Getting out of the house and pushing past inertia that makes you say, "I don't wanna" are key. Not the key to happiness, mind you, but the key to moving your life forward so that you can reach the time when you're sufficiently past the pain that life's other pleasures become truly enjoyable again. There will be some transitional times, when you'll think you're healing, but then feel it disappear, and will be tempted to despair anew, as if it had been an illusion and healing is out of reach. But that's part of the progress, and the times of feeling better will return with increasing frequency.
It took me three years.
You may also be wondering, "Why did they leave me?" That's a different question from why they did things to hurt you, and one that I probably cannot answer here. Leaving you was something they did for themselves, not something they did to you. (Although, making false promises may have been a dick move.) I have written on the phenomenon of people unexpectedly changing their behavior from doting to disinterested:
Men (and women) do this because love is part appreciation, part desire, and part commitment. A man could be high on appreciation and desire for you, and be all that you described. But there will be times when something dulls those feelings, especially if he's feeling depressed or frustrated. (Or, hell, distracted in some cases.) A man needs a firm commitment to himself to always do right by you, to carry him through those times. Unfortunately, it can be hard to tell which men possess that commitment, because words to that effect are meaningless. Actions might eventually reveal it.
(In addition, such swings can be typical in people with borderline personality disorder. I have also seen it happen in someone suffering an identity crisis, who repeatedly derived their identity from their relationships and then got scared and left because they had derived their identity from their relationships.)
