How to Get Rid of a Guy

[blimix]

I've been thinking since December about posting this, and am feeling inspired now. I have been accused of having access to "secret girl lore" for saying what I am about to say.

This advice is mainly for women trying to fend off overly enthusiastic suitors of the opposite gender. Some of it can also be applied to breakups in circumstances under which respect is no longer called for. There can be exceptions, for extenuating circumstances, to everything I say below. Use your brain.

Edited a decade later: The below writing evidences the blindness of male privilege. It was written with an eye toward maximizing effectiveness while minimizing hurt feelings. It did not take into account the safety of the woman saying "no". Use the below advice only if rejection of a man does not look likely to pose a threat to your safety.

"I'm sorry, I'm just not interested."
This is the key line. Bluntness is your best friend. Vagueness is also your best friend.

Do *not* offer a specific reason.
There are two very good reasons for this (one of which¹ is too lengthy to include here). When you give a reason for not dating a guy, he will take it as encouragement. He will think, "Ah, so she'd be interested in me if it weren't for this one thing!" He'll see it as an obstacle to work around, not as a barrier to hope. This will make it harder for you to get rid of him.

Do *not* give hints.
Your hints are ineffective compared to the power of his wishful thinking. Guys are not mind readers at even the best of times. When they want something, they can find any reason to continue to hope for it. You may not think that you're "encouraging" him by being nice, making eye contact, or existing in the same hemisphere, but he does. You're not doing him any favors by being "tactful". Blunt honesty is far kinder, by letting him know where he stands, and keeping him from wasting any hope or emotional investment on a lost cause.

Do *not* tell him that you're a lesbian.
He'll only become more interested. That's right, it makes absolutely no sense. But he's not thinking with his brain; he's thinking with his dick. To a hetero male, lesbians are hot! Don't invoke those hormones.

If he asks you for a reason, circle back to your original statement.
"Why aren't you interested in me?"
"I'm just not. Sorry."

Telling him that you're "just not attracted" to him is acceptable. There doesn't have to be a rationale for attraction (it's better if there isn't one), and lack of attraction is usually seen as a nearly insurmountable barrier. But beware: A mightily thick-headed guy will still see this as merely a temporary obstacle.

Yeah, that's all I got. Except for this footnote.

Footnote 1. The other reason (to not tell him *why* you're not interested in him) is that your stated reason is a lie. Oh, sure, you've convinced yourself that it's true, that since it applies to him and you're not interested in him, it's a valid reason for you to not be interested in him. (And this way, you won't have to actually tell him that he has the sex appeal of a garden slug.) But nine times out of ten, you're going to contradict that reason within two weeks. Maybe it'll be something you say without even thinking. Maybe you'll start dating someone else, to whom the same reason should equally apply. Either way, he's going to realize that you've (intentionally or not) lied to him, and it'll make him feel disrespected and trod upon. At the time that you say it, you'll think that you're sparing his feelings. But it'll end up with him feeling like dirt. So just don't do it. Don't give him the lame, easy excuse.

And seriously, if you're about to tell him, "I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone right now," take those words and shove them up your ass, then seal them there with Krazy Glue. No matter how true it feels, eventually it won't be. You are guaranteed to hurt him in the long run with those words.

Comments

[leora.livejournal.com]

Indeed. My advice to guys in general is pretty much the same - be direct and honest. And I wish girls would return the favor.

Now, if girls could just learn to say: I'm sorry, I'm not interested. (or similar variants: You're just not my type often being quite true) and guys could learn to take that to mean give up and try someone else, a lot of problems could be avoided.

It sucks that most people will have to face a lot of rejection to find someone(s) suitable for them. I'm truly sorry people have to go through this. But it doesn't help anyone when people waste time on people who are wrong for them.

[mistressjennfer.livejournal.com]

uhm, yeah. what do you do when blunt-force honesty doesn't work? when "i'm sorry, i'm not interested" still doesn't get through?

is it ok then for me to give an excuse? as in, "i'm sorry, you're just too old for me. i don't date guys my dad's age."

[leora.livejournal.com]

I think it's okay if it's true. I don't think you owe someone who presses on after being told no as much consideration. But I'd still prefer the completely honest:

No, I'm not interested in you and I want you to stop asking and bringing it up or I'll have to stop talking to you.

Or something else in the latter section that is appropriate to the situation.

[mistressjennfer.livejournal.com]

yeah, i'm afraid that hasn't worked either. and neither has not answering the phone when he calls.

time for a restraining order?

[leora.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think you've gone beyone the garden variety clueless or pronoid (see _Fierce Creatures for the creation and description of "pronoid" the opposite of "paranoid") guy and on into creepy stalky guy.

[mistressjennfer.livejournal.com]

he's one of those guys who thinks if i keep asking, eventually she'll cave in and say yes. unfortunately, this tactic has worked for him in the past with other girls. i think girls who eventually cave in are the original cause for why we have creepy stalky guys...

[cos]

is it ok then for me to give an excuse?

It's "ok", but that doesn't mean it would work. blimix is right: to many people, an excuse works as encouragement. It gives them the parameters to try to work around to turn rejection into acceptance. That's not true for everyone, but for the most part, I think people who wouldn't be encouraged by an excuse, are the ones with whom an excuse-free rejection would work just as well anyway.

[botia.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry, I'm just not interested."

I've used that line quite a bit. One person I used it on told me that, as a result of my disinterest, he was going to kill me and then himself. Others have simply persisted, despite my repeating it. Yet others have hounded me, incessantly asking why I wasn't interested.

It'd be nice if it worked on everyone, but some people are not right in the head. Some people actually believe that, if they are interested in you, you are obligated to return their interest, else you are a "bitch" or some other nasty word.

[beowabbit]

One person I used it on told me that, as a result of my disinterest, he was going to kill me and then himself.

By and large, that's an excellent plan! The only thing wrong with it is that he needs to rearrange the order. Everything will go much more smoothly that way.

(Stumbled across this post from coslinks.)

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

Girls aren't responsible for guys' good behavior. If those girls didn't get worn down into saying yes, how many of those guys would cross over from creepy stalky guys to rapists? The guys are their own fault; you take care of yourself.

As I understand it a restraining order is often a good idea because it's the first step in getting the law involved, and many stalkers will stop after their first encounter with an actual police officer.

The National Center for Victims of Crime has some information here (http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32457) about stalking: what it is and what to do about it.


[here via coslinks]

[ambrosiaoferis.livejournal.com]

If only something this simple actually, y'know, worked. Good advice, as in it's the right thing to say, it just doesn't always draw an appropriate and mature response. (I ended up here by way of coslinks.)

[blimix.livejournal.com]

Absolutely true. My advice was aimed at avoiding a particular set of common mistakes. This should maximize one's chance of getting rid of a guy while still remaining respectfully civil. But the "maximumized chance" is not 100%.

For handling those who still persist, I defer to the other comments here, for I have no great insight into the workings of the mind of a sociopath.

Thank you all for stopping by. I am honored to have been Coslinked.

[fructivore.livejournal.com]

As Miss Manners often notes when dispensing the self-same advice for the would-be objects of unwanted affection, it's more considerate not to give specific reasons — and consideration is a deeply practical matter. Telling someone they have the sex appeal of a garden slug is unkind, even if true, and the less bad someone feels about a rejection, the more likely they are to take it in stride and move on.

(... if by "someone" we mean "a normal, sane person with coping mechanisms that are standard to most primates". For les autres, there are sharp implements.)

[botia.livejournal.com]

OT:
In the near future, I'll be retrieving that aquarium and stand from your basement; I have a friend in need of a python enclosure.