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Nurturing tips
Nov. 3rd, 2017 03:41 pmI just read this insightful essay about nurturing culture, which (among many other things) explains that men who learn nurturing skills do so haphazardly and in isolation: I can certainly relate to that. It describes the need for men to teach nurturing skills to men. I think that the age of social media is doing wonderful things for people's access to information about how to be a better person in general, and wish that I had had such access when growing up. But at least I can do my part for the future. Here are some haphazard things related to human relations that I pieced together from my and other's experiences. Hopefully, you won't have to.
(As I write these bits of advice, I notice that I do not consistently follow them. Hopefully, putting them them down explicitly in writing will help me to fix that.)
Additionally, I hereby offer to converse with you on topics related to nurturing, and generally treating people better. Whether it's something you want to know, or it's something you have to offer that I should know, I'm open. It can be by email, phone, in person, or in the comments. You might also check my blog posts tagged respect.
Someone is upset.
When a baby cries, there's an instinctive need to do something to make it stop. The usual solution is to identify and fix the problem: Feed it, change the diaper, etc. Sometimes just some soothing makes it stop. (This doesn't mean the baby was crying for no reason: The need for attention is a real need.)
Some folks mistakenly apply this paradigm to an upset adult: Determine why they're crying, and tell them what to do about it. Problem solved! Or worse, tell them to stop crying and be happy instead. As soon as you realize that happiness is a choice, you won't ever have to be unhappy!
I'd love to think that I don't have to point out how ludicrous this is, but people do it all the time. I got into a bit of an argument on Reddit with some dude who (I am not making this up) thought that he was being helpful and compassionate by telling unhappy people to smile. (Like many folks, his fragile ego prevented him from listening to evidence that he might have done something wrong. More on that below, eventually.)
The simple fact is that most adults are not idiots. If they're crying over something, it's not something that can be fixed by your seemingly obvious solution. (Maybe they can't quit their abusive job, because they need the health insurance. Maybe they already know that a naturopath cannot fix health problems.) If they could decide not to be unhappy, they already would have done it. (And by telling them that they can be happy despite their problems, you are invalidating their understanding of, and reaction to, their problems. This makes them feel worse, and lets them know that they cannot trust you.)
The root of the issues is that "Make them stop crying" is a solution to your problem (that someone is making you uncomfortable by crying), not a solution to their problem. Often, what the upset person needs from you is sympathy and validation, not advice. Listen to their complaints and react sympathetically: "That's awful." "I'm sorry you're going through that." "You deserve better." And so on. If you're sure that you have a novel insight into their situation, you can (after giving sympathy and validation) add it if it sounds purely like information, not advice. (e.g., "I've known other people who behaved the way your ex is behaving, and they didn't actually believe their own verbal attacks; the attacks were just being used to distract attention from their own transgressions. It's possible that your ex doesn't actually mean those lies, but is lashing out defensively.")
If you have an invaluable piece of advice to give, ask permission first, in a non-pushy, non-loaded way, and respect the decision. It's okay to say, "I can offer you sympathy and/or advice. What would you like?" Make this offer only after giving some initial sympathy. ("Non-loaded" means you don't phrase it like, "I have some advice I'd like to give you. May I?" That disinvites a "no" answer.) It should go without saying that you need to respect "no". Soothe your eagerness with the knowledge that, if they managed to resist both the allure of useful advice and their curiosity about what was on your mind, then they mean business with that "no": They really do not want to hear it. Don't push it.
If appropriate, you may offer "sympathy, hugs, and/or advice". If they accept hugs, make it clear that the hug duration is up to them. Don't release first. That way, they can get a long hug if they need it. Do release as soon as they do: Don't be creepy by switching from giver to taker.
Speaking of which...
Hugs.
There are times to assume that hugs are okay, and times not to assume. The latter are more common than we know. Any time there is reason to doubt, you can ask, "Are hugs okay?" So, when might you doubt that hugs are okay?
Seeking romance.
I have written here on the subject. It is advice for shy people who are relatively (or completely) inexperienced with romance. (i.e., things I wish I could have told my younger self.) tl;dr: "Nice guys" suffer from characteristic misunderstandings that make them scared to act upon their desires, so let's debunk those misunderstandings and then give advice on how to respectfully make a move.
Owning your mistakes.
This is important enough to be its own post. I will link to it here when I write it.
Edit: I forgot about it for five years, but it seems I had something to say on the subject in this post.
(As I write these bits of advice, I notice that I do not consistently follow them. Hopefully, putting them them down explicitly in writing will help me to fix that.)
Additionally, I hereby offer to converse with you on topics related to nurturing, and generally treating people better. Whether it's something you want to know, or it's something you have to offer that I should know, I'm open. It can be by email, phone, in person, or in the comments. You might also check my blog posts tagged respect.
When a baby cries, there's an instinctive need to do something to make it stop. The usual solution is to identify and fix the problem: Feed it, change the diaper, etc. Sometimes just some soothing makes it stop. (This doesn't mean the baby was crying for no reason: The need for attention is a real need.)
Some folks mistakenly apply this paradigm to an upset adult: Determine why they're crying, and tell them what to do about it. Problem solved! Or worse, tell them to stop crying and be happy instead. As soon as you realize that happiness is a choice, you won't ever have to be unhappy!
I'd love to think that I don't have to point out how ludicrous this is, but people do it all the time. I got into a bit of an argument on Reddit with some dude who (I am not making this up) thought that he was being helpful and compassionate by telling unhappy people to smile. (Like many folks, his fragile ego prevented him from listening to evidence that he might have done something wrong. More on that below, eventually.)
The simple fact is that most adults are not idiots. If they're crying over something, it's not something that can be fixed by your seemingly obvious solution. (Maybe they can't quit their abusive job, because they need the health insurance. Maybe they already know that a naturopath cannot fix health problems.) If they could decide not to be unhappy, they already would have done it. (And by telling them that they can be happy despite their problems, you are invalidating their understanding of, and reaction to, their problems. This makes them feel worse, and lets them know that they cannot trust you.)
The root of the issues is that "Make them stop crying" is a solution to your problem (that someone is making you uncomfortable by crying), not a solution to their problem. Often, what the upset person needs from you is sympathy and validation, not advice. Listen to their complaints and react sympathetically: "That's awful." "I'm sorry you're going through that." "You deserve better." And so on. If you're sure that you have a novel insight into their situation, you can (after giving sympathy and validation) add it if it sounds purely like information, not advice. (e.g., "I've known other people who behaved the way your ex is behaving, and they didn't actually believe their own verbal attacks; the attacks were just being used to distract attention from their own transgressions. It's possible that your ex doesn't actually mean those lies, but is lashing out defensively.")
If you have an invaluable piece of advice to give, ask permission first, in a non-pushy, non-loaded way, and respect the decision. It's okay to say, "I can offer you sympathy and/or advice. What would you like?" Make this offer only after giving some initial sympathy. ("Non-loaded" means you don't phrase it like, "I have some advice I'd like to give you. May I?" That disinvites a "no" answer.) It should go without saying that you need to respect "no". Soothe your eagerness with the knowledge that, if they managed to resist both the allure of useful advice and their curiosity about what was on your mind, then they mean business with that "no": They really do not want to hear it. Don't push it.
If appropriate, you may offer "sympathy, hugs, and/or advice". If they accept hugs, make it clear that the hug duration is up to them. Don't release first. That way, they can get a long hug if they need it. Do release as soon as they do: Don't be creepy by switching from giver to taker.
Speaking of which...
There are times to assume that hugs are okay, and times not to assume. The latter are more common than we know. Any time there is reason to doubt, you can ask, "Are hugs okay?" So, when might you doubt that hugs are okay?
- When you've just met someone, had a bonding conversation/experience, and are parting. Hugs are often great right then, but assuming can be disastrous. The person may not trust you yet. They may react badly to hugs. They may have a bad back. You don't know. "Are hugs okay?" is a fantastic last question: It shows that you respect them and their boundaries, and provides a segue to the final hug unless they actually don't want it. (Do not ask, "Can I have a hug?" or "May I hug you?" because that's a request, which is awkward to turn down and centers around your preference rather than theirs. Also, don't ask, "Are you huggable?" or "Are you a huggy person?" because that gets uncomfortable if they are, but they don't want you to hug them.)
- When you are male who is a "huggy person". A male who self-identifies as "huggy" and hugs everybody without asking is letting their wishes override other people's wishes. Power imbalance between genders makes this extra creepy, because women face dismissal ("That's just the way he is.") and backlash ("He just wanted a hug! Why would you hurt his feelings?") if they complain about nonconsensual hugs from men. (In case it isn't blindingly clear: Don't ever silence complaints of sexual harassment; call out dismissal or backlash if you see it happen; support the complainant.) Note that I'm not saying that you can't be a male huggy person. I'm just saying that if you are, that invokes enough doubt to prevent the assumption that hugs are okay. With people who aren't already close, you always have to ask first.
- When your close acquaintance, whom you hug at every meeting, is having a particularly craptastic time. It is possible that they need to maintain some space now. You can ask them, "Are you feeling huggable?"
I have written here on the subject. It is advice for shy people who are relatively (or completely) inexperienced with romance. (i.e., things I wish I could have told my younger self.) tl;dr: "Nice guys" suffer from characteristic misunderstandings that make them scared to act upon their desires, so let's debunk those misunderstandings and then give advice on how to respectfully make a move.
This is important enough to be its own post. I will link to it here when I write it.
Edit: I forgot about it for five years, but it seems I had something to say on the subject in this post.
