Toxic perfectionism and change
Dec. 9th, 2022 12:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blimixThe Oingo Boingo song "Change" contains the line:
This line speaks to an idea: Toxic perfectionism.
It's the person who sees that they need to be a different sort of person, a person who would have done something else, said something else... But becoming that person is hard, and wishing that they were already perfect is easy. It's the schmuck who gives you a hard time when you correct them, and goes ballistic if you tell them they've done something wrong. It's the terrified, rejection sensitive friend or lover who wants to do better but is afraid that it's already too late, that their latest mistake is what ends it. It's the child whose parents scold them for any imperfection, and who thereby learns to hide their imperfections. It's the neurodivergent person learning that they got it wrong once again, and feeling helpless to ever get it right. It's the smart kid who never learned how to be wrong. It is any combination of these.
The alternative is to face and own the failure: Not just the failure to do or say the right thing, but the failure to be the person they want to be. To say, "This is me. The person who fucked up this way is me. I hate it, I'm embarrassed, I want to crawl in a hole, and I want it not to be me. I need to figure out how to change, how to be someone who won't do that again." And then to do it.
That takes will: Too much, in many cases. A person in the grip of toxic perfectionism will ignore the screwup, wish it had never happened, or pretend it had never happened. They will fight to not have been that person. They will not appreciate it if you make that fight harder by speaking candidly.
And so we are led to a theme of the song: A person who wants to change, but won't.
(Thanks to the Oingo Boingo Secret Appreciation Society podcast, which inspired me to write this.)
"And it hurts my brain to think of all the stupid things I've said. And if I could change the future, I would change the past instead."
This line speaks to an idea: Toxic perfectionism.
It's the person who sees that they need to be a different sort of person, a person who would have done something else, said something else... But becoming that person is hard, and wishing that they were already perfect is easy. It's the schmuck who gives you a hard time when you correct them, and goes ballistic if you tell them they've done something wrong. It's the terrified, rejection sensitive friend or lover who wants to do better but is afraid that it's already too late, that their latest mistake is what ends it. It's the child whose parents scold them for any imperfection, and who thereby learns to hide their imperfections. It's the neurodivergent person learning that they got it wrong once again, and feeling helpless to ever get it right. It's the smart kid who never learned how to be wrong. It is any combination of these.
The alternative is to face and own the failure: Not just the failure to do or say the right thing, but the failure to be the person they want to be. To say, "This is me. The person who fucked up this way is me. I hate it, I'm embarrassed, I want to crawl in a hole, and I want it not to be me. I need to figure out how to change, how to be someone who won't do that again." And then to do it.
That takes will: Too much, in many cases. A person in the grip of toxic perfectionism will ignore the screwup, wish it had never happened, or pretend it had never happened. They will fight to not have been that person. They will not appreciate it if you make that fight harder by speaking candidly.
And so we are led to a theme of the song: A person who wants to change, but won't.
(Thanks to the Oingo Boingo Secret Appreciation Society podcast, which inspired me to write this.)
