How to soothe others.

[blimix]

Here are some tips for comforting someone who is having a breakdown/crisis.

If having them actively do something is a possibility, you can encourage them to:

• Identify and express how they're feeling.
  
• Cry. Reassure them that it's okay and that it helps.
  
• Breathe deeply: Big diaphragm breaths (using the belly).
  
• Use grounding techniques such as 5-4-3-2-1. Examples here.
  
• Sing.
  
• Exercise.

Things that you can do directly include:

• Help them escape an upsetting scene. (Turning off a TV or other source of overstimulation would also count.)
  
• Validate their feelings. (e.g., "That sounds really frustrating." Or, "It's okay to feel upset by that. It's an upsetting thing to have happen.")
  
• Distract them. Talk about a subject that really engages them (not you).
  
• Use humor. (As long as it doesn't look like you're making light of them or their suffering.)
  
• Use active listening: Show that you hear. Use just a few words in response. Repeat their language back to them. (Don't repeat everything they say, though.)
  
• Tell them it's going to be okay.
  
• Praise them for the steps they take to regain control.
  
• Ask them what they need, unless that might be too hard a question. In which case guess and make some offers. (e.g., a person grieving might accept a hug, or an offer to drop off a frozen meal.)

The first three steps should be: Escape (if needed), identify/express feelings, validate feelings.

Do not minimize their troubles. If it seems like they're reacting disproportionately, the incident could have triggered an old trauma. Or it could be the straw that broke the camel's back. They are carrying burdens that you can't see.

If they are delusional/hallucinating, do not oppose, nor affirm, their delusions right now. Merely commiserate with how they feel about it.

(Sources: My professional training, my personal experience, and advice from wise and trustworthy people.)

Comments

[tsondoku]

This is so helpful to know. Thank you for sharing it!