My résumé

[blimix]

This morning, I decided that I should get serious about seeking employment, and so updated my résumé. Tell me what you think, and let me know if you know of any suitable jobs for me.

Joseph Levy

contact

Objective: A job combining my early 80's coding prowess with my fondness for sushi.

Employment history

Computers:

Fly-Rite Int. Inc. Ltd.

• 2003-2006: Programmer, "Donald Duck's Air Traffic Control Tutorial"
  
  • Performed complete code conversion from Microsoft Visual C# to Microsoft BASICA.
    
  • Was made to perform complete code conversion from Microsoft BASICA back to Microsoft Visual C#.
  
  
• Resigned over artistic stifling.

Culinary:

Wolfgang Ritter's All-American Truck Stop & Sushi Bar

• 2000-2002: Head chef
  
  • Invented sharkbutt pâté.
  
  
• 2002-2003: Sous-chef
  
  • Invented Day-Glo Sushi Rice.
  
  
• Parted with employer over irreconcilable differences.

Music:

Glory Hole Jesus (Gospel death metal)

• 1997-2000: Production assistant and musician, "The Big, Hairy Hand of God"
  
  • Washboard
    
  • Toe guitar
    
  • Acoustic theremin

Potpourri:

1994-1997: Self-Employed

• Philosopher
  
  • Founded the Self-Satisfied school of Pretentiousness.
  
  
• Children's toy developer
  
  • Invented "My Little Birth Defect".
  
  
• Computer games gamma tester
  
  • Over 10,000 hours per year logged.
  
  
• Current salary: $76000/month (paid by self)

Next month until my early grave: Working for you?

• Slaving my ass off.
  
• Expected salary: Pennies per week and those scraps of fat and gristle that I can smuggle home under my jacket.

Education

• Elementary: The Dan Quayle Very Special School of Euphemism
  
  • 1982-1984: 1st grade
    
  • 1984-1987: 2nd grade
    
  • 1987-1991: 3rd grade
    
  • Graduated summa cum laude
  
  
  
• 1991-1994: PATI (Pennsylvania Amish Technological Institute)
  
  • Bachelor of Science in physics, with minors in math and nasal spectroscopy.

Skills

• Computers
  
  • Object-oriented programming
    
    • Dr. Logo .NET
    
    
  • Subject-oriented programming
    
    • I++
    
    
  • Adverb-oriented programming
    
    • Forth
  
  
  
• Miscellaneous
  
  • Ravioli jumping
    
  • Dry wall origami

Comments

[tiurin.livejournal.com]

At least it wasn't a B.S. in phrenology or proctology.

[dolohov.livejournal.com]

or proctological phrenology

[blimix.livejournal.com]

My word! What suggestions!

And in such a respectable place at this!

I'll have no more of that hogwash. The same goes for twaddle and poppycock. :-P

[botia.livejournal.com]

I should have KNOWN it was a fake when I read this:
"I decided that I should get serious about seeking employment,"

You're not serious about much at all, and about employment? Pfft :)

[blimix.livejournal.com]

*chuckle* I was wondering whether I'd fool people.

I did just write it this morning, though I'd had the idea kicking around in my head for quite a while.

[mistressjennfer.livejournal.com]

niiiiiiiiiice

i'd recommend you, but i think you're overqualified for our marketing department.

[zimarra.livejournal.com]

*dive bomb* BLIMIX YOU LITTLE!!!!

GAAAHAA!

*Head explodes*

(this is really quite quite clever.)

[blimix.livejournal.com]

*Evil cackle*

Thanks, hon!

[ratatosk.livejournal.com]

- Put the most recent items first.
- Jobs and education should all have locations.
- Try turning those noun phrases into verb phases "Invented Day-Glo Sushi Rice".
- It might be helpful to have a general section of "Skills"
- Have some hobbies or interests. It's important to be memorable to employers; they see a lot of very similar-looking resumes.

[blimix.livejournal.com]

*giggle* Thank you muchly!

I'm very tempted to incorporate your last three suggestions. Not quite yet; I've already spent more than enough time on this today.

(Unfortunately, the increasinly absurd structure would be destroyed by reverse chronological presentation. And it's hard to come up with funny locations, aside from a couple of inherently funny ones like Altoona and Albuquerque.)

[mistressjennfer.livejournal.com]

"my hobbies include: cow pie tossing, fly-fisherman fishing, and reading manuals for industrial kitchen appliances."

[blimix.livejournal.com]

Okay, I have incorporated your first, third and fourth suggestions. (Disregard what I said about chronology. And I didn't give myself much time to come up with funny skills.)

Oh, and I've clarified my intended gag with the code conversion.

[roamin-umpire.livejournal.com]

See, actually, I wouldn't be terribly surprised if you *did* send it to places - any who responded very well might be places you'd enjoy working.

And, c'mon, acoustic theremin? No one would actually believe that - it's clearly redundant.